Monday, November 26, 2007

Breakdown/Homesick/Pensive

I am completely breaking down under all the pressure. Not even the pressure, the simple stress of being in a new place on my own is finally catching up to me. With my whole family here this weekend, I fell back into my old routine, I was completely comfortable again, without any worries. Now I am back at school, with tons of work to do and Spectator deadlines to reach. And all I can think about is how much I miss my family. I admit it: I finally caved and got homesick.

But at the same time, it is not really homesick. I don't miss Ventura all that much. It is a craving for being comfortable. It is not something that I can just go back to. Even were I to go back it wouldn't be the same. I loved how relaxed and carefree that I could be over Thanksgiving, in a lonely little cabin, warm, relaxed on the couch with my family. I don't have anywhere to relax here, nor anyone to cry to (not that I really had that at home).

The pressure of making friends has seemed subordinate to things like schoolwork, and more recently, Spec work. But now my mental barriers are slowly dissolving away in salt water, and I don't know where to go. I feel trapped. I don't know what I would do if Sara were here. I don't feel like I can cry in front of her. For some reason I feel like I have to keep this "nerves of steel" persona around her, which I realize is utterly ridiculous, but I think it has to do with her being so physically close to me that I don't want to show my weakness. This is a problem that I frequently have: I don't want people that live with me to think I am weak. It is weird, and I need to get over it.

I am just having issues. I realized as I was walking from my dorm across campus (because I realized that I needed to get out of my lonely room), that I only cry when I am stressed. I only cry when I am REALLY stressed. Therefore, I am crying over something that is not that big of a deal, at a random time, not because of the actual even, but because I am so stressed out that all of my emotions are flowing out of me through the one medium that set off the chain reaction.

This leads me to believe that I need to 1) organize my life a little bit better, 2) not take on so much Spec stuff, and 3) finish my proposal and get over it. If I get a position, I get a position. If not, I have a whole host of other things that I could do. I also need to hang out with people more and forget what my mind thinks that they might think of me. And I need to open up to people more. And forget about things that happened in the past (or perhaps not take the same approach as I did previously).

But first, I just need to suck it up and finish my homework for tonight. Then maybe watch a little bit of law and order to make myself feel better (somehow others' rape and murder always lifts my spirits right up--the irony does not escape me).

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