Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Internal Monologue (Forgive Me)

I am at a workstation at the East Asian Library in Kent. Nowhere else to go. My parents are stuck somewhere in the outer borough abyss between here and JFK. I have class in 25 minutes. And I am slightly depressed.

In the last week or so I have realized just how competitive life is around here. And it is not necessarily about what you know, but who you know (or simply how you say it). I can't help but feel overwhelmed by the competition, yet the normalcy of the people that already have the positions that I am vying for. I hate that I am spending so much time at Spec, really whoring myself out there, and I don't even know what the end result will be. People are so nice this week, but what about next week? If I don't end up getting an editorship, who is going to care?

Sara makes me feel completely inadequate sometimes. She knows everyone, then talks about it. I don't have the opportunity to call up Barbara Boxer and ask her for a favor. I don't know the guy that wont eh Rhodes scholarship because I am not on PSSA because she beat me for the job because of all the cool people she knows and the amazing opportunities that she has had. And she complains about being unhappy here. It drives me crazy.

Grr...what really irks me is that I am so competitive. This isn't what this experience is supposed to be about. College is supposed to be about drunken nights and loads of fun, and maybe a few books in the cannon. I feel like that is slipping away a little bit as I let myself get caught up in the process of thyinking about internships and networking opportunities and meeting the next president, or being the next Maureen Dowd, or whatever I think I am striving after. There are numerous means to get to an end, and I feel like I am losing sight of what I really enjoy because of mass amounts of ambition inherently inside of me.

On top of that I feel fat. What a girl thing to say. I am trying so hard not to let myself sink into the whirlwind of negative body image and self doubt and anorexia.

I have issues. Period. I need to deal with them. This growing up thing sure is hard.

The most important part of this, though, is that I realize that these are all growing pains. They are things that I have to deal with and overcome myself because that is life. I need to make a Spec decision. I need to not let what other people say get to me. I need to stop worrying that I need a killer internship the first summer of college in order to go anywhere in life. And I just need to relax and have some fun this weekend. And not get fat. No pie.

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