Thursday, January 10, 2008

Anxiety of the Present

Can you be stressed and bored at the same time? Is it perhaps that the lack of anything particularly important to do is stressing me out? I think I feel a ton of pressure to visit every person I possibly can while I am at home, as well as make as many exercise classes, as well as spend as much time as I can with my family, as well as ride my new bike as much as possible, as well as get all of my Spectator work done, as well as plan to leave and go to Sara's in a few days. Oh, and read, and watch television, and catch up on movies, and troll food blogs so I will be up to date when I get back and have to start working. Wait--it already feels like I am working.

I was so stressed today that I actually had the thought that I didn't want to go back to school. It is rather ridiculous, and I realized that I will probably be less stressed once I get back to school, but it was a scary thought all the same. I am also terribly afraid of my current cynicism. I am cynical about men and love and relationships. I feel like I lose confidence by the hour. I am more and more aware of decisions and statements and how they effect me, and I don't necessarily know that it is such a good thing. I think I need someone to light a fire under my ass, give me a schedule, yell at me to make me cry, kiss me, something. I look back over that sentence and realize that what I lack is passion. Not even that I lack passion, but that nothing is very passionate back.

I had a dream I was raped last night. It scared the crap out of me. I need a dream interpreter. As well as a massage and a cup of tea, methinkgs. The online dream interpreter tells me that I am full of fear and anxiety and feel that I am out of options. Sounds to me like I need to give up a few Spectator responsibilities. Crap.

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