Saturday, March 1, 2008

Not sure what to call this one

I am in a funk and not really sure how to get out of it (or really how I got here in the first place). I am pretty sure that it has something to do with my room being dead silent all the time. I feel like my roommate hates me. I kind of feel like I need to talk to her about it, but at the same time, I kind of did last weekend, and everything appeared to be fine for about a day. Now, every time I think about it my mind flashes to something she has said a few times, about how she can be very fake and pretend to like someone and be nice to them but really just not care at all. She has said before that it is easy.

I don't know how exactly to fit in and still be me. Sometimes I feel like I miss my chance to really be me, either because I am too tired or just not as drunk as everyone else. I don't want to be pretentious, that's not why I don't drink, I just don't want to loose control. I think some of this is a negative feedback system where one thing goes wrong in my perfectly-constructed world, and I let that back up into getting depressed about the world.

And it is not really that I am depressed about the world, I am just feeling awkward moving around in my own world. I feel really alone. I do things alone; I go to museums and other places alone before I feel like I can't find anyone to go with me. I get up before other people. I go to bed before other people. And I have stopped trying to struggle against my own core personality to change that.

Then there is Spectator. I am stuck, to be cliche, between a rock and a hard place (and another really sharp object). I am the only one that is part of the arts staff and the news staff, and I feel like having the allegiance to both makes me a part of neither. Maybe because I struggle so hard to maintain a life outside of Spectator. I continually feel like I am on the outside looking in, and I don't even know where I should be focusing.

I don't even know where to start dealing with all of this. I don't really want to talk about it. But how can I make it better then? Today, I don't like growing up so much.

In other news, my back hurts. Kinda like I need a massage, kinda like I need someone to pop it back into place, definitely like I wish I didn't carry so many books all of the time.

No comments: