Saturday, June 28, 2008

Just a little bit dreary.

Do I want to be in agony or sedated? This is the dilemma that I have wrestled with all day. The day from hell. Now I sit at home in the silence, and the pain only gets worse. All I wanted two months ago was a little time to myself. Now I am at home, on the couch, alone, and I just wish that there was someone here with me. Why is it that I always want what I can't have?

I guess it is not exactly that I want what I can't have, but I want something in the middle, and I keep getting extremes. No privacy vs. being alone all the time. New York vs. Ventucky, I guess. the pain in my jaw won't go away and it won't let me concentrate. The noise and the pictures from the television focuses me on something else. I hate television. But I can't read, the pain just gets worse.

I am trying so hard to stop complaining. I finally got on my bike today. Yesterday was the trainer, today I graduated to real road under my tires. Until I got a flat and my tires became my mom's tires. But the beach was perfect. It was overcast, but not overly cold or windy. After my ride I was sitting in my car up on the overlook over Emma Wood watching the surfers when I realized that it was my perfect beach day. The sunset was peeking through the clouds on the horizon, but the majority of the sky was gray. It was just a little bit dreary, but that's Ventura. A sunny, crowded beach isn't home. That's the movies.

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