Thursday, June 19, 2008

Thoughts on bitchiness

This whole thing is really getting to me. I am putting way too much pressure on myself. I came a couple of realizations this morning. One is that I am not responding well to pressure right now, physical or emotional. Two is that when I can't figure out what is bothering me and I am going through things in my head and I hit a word and then I feel like I want to burst into tears, that is probably what is bothering me.

Even when I was at home "relaxing" I felt like I was under pressure. Pressure to be the perfect daughter, pressure to find something to do, pressure to find people to do it with. Then came the hard reality that very few people actually wanted to do anything with me. I got blown off six times in six days, once so somebody could go get arrested. No one came to Piesta. And now I feel like a bitch for thinking all of these things. Someone did want to hang out with me all the time last week. That's not fair. Why am I so focused on the negative rather than the positive? Because the negative is easier to write about, I guess. And I don't need word therapy for the positive.

While I am here, all I can think about is how spoiled I am. It makes me feel like kind of a bitch, and that just makes me bitchy to the people that I am around.

I am going to try harder today. To be nice, that is.

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